MEDICAL ADVICE FOR TRAVELERS
(to corners at racetracks)
By Hardy Kornfeld

You have signed up to corner work at NHIS or Bridgehampton thinking you will have an entertaining day basking in the sun, occasionally bestirring yourself to convey a hapless rider or his now very used motorcycle safely to the sidelines.

Unfortunately, this idyllic picture is fatally flawed. In fact, you are standing on a vanishingly thin crust of rock and dirt, covered by an even thinner and rapidly disappearing film of atmospheric gas. Between these fragile boundaries lies the burning plasma of the earth's core and the hard vacuum of space. What's more you have chosen to place yourself in the path of fossil fuel-burning missiles and the only thing keeping them from veering toward you and smashing you to bits are the tiny brains of the riders which themselves are on the brink of meltdown from raging hormones and sensory overload.

Now that you are better aware of the situation, you may reflect upon the equipment and supplies that could possibly allow you to survive the experience. Essentially, you must be prepared to deal with both external and internal threats, the former being the most serious. Standing all day at a corner working station you are bombarded by ultraviolet radiation from the sun which is arriving at higher fluxes now that we have done away with the protective ozone layer. Extremes of atmospheric temperature and moisture content must be considered: you will be baked by the sun or drenched in freezing rain, there is no middle ground. You will be blasted by dangerously high levels of noise, noxious fumes from both motorcycles and your colleagues, and possibly by massive projectiles traveling at high rates of speed. Moreover, you might have a headache.

How to survive?

Essential clothing includes a hat, neck protection (red neck prevention), and sunglasses that can block UV. Ultraviolet exposure to the eyes induces cataract formation and promotes the development of melanomas on the retina (malignant tumors which grow so fast you can hear the cells divide). A sunblock with spf 30 is a good idea; UVB light (290-320 nm) is the bad stuff (sunburn, wrinkles, and cancer) and is blocked by a variety of over-the-counter sunscreens. Don't forget sunblock for the lips as well, lest smiling become a painful and bloody experience. If you fail to bring earplugs for the first few weekends worked, you probably won't need them later as your high frequency hearing will already be lost. Foam plugs are cheap and effective.

Rain gear comes in three forms: coated nylon, Gortex, and vinyl. Coated nylon is cheapest and provides decent protection but it doesn't breathe. Gortex is costly and ultimately not waterproof, but it breathes and may be more comfortable on warm wet days. Vinyl offers complete protection from rain but it doesn't breathe at all and you will have to decide what form of wetness your prefer: nature's pure rain water or your own fetid sweat. When one is too dumb to get out of the rain voluntarily, one is well advised to have rain pants as well as a jacket. Wearing a rain jacket without pants will only increase your suffering as your wet feet and legs are constantly reminded by your dry upper body how pleasant life could be. Finally, you must consider foot gear. It is decidedly unpleasant to have both warm upper and lower parts tottering around in waterlogged sneakers. A pair of those new lightweight boots-that-look-like-sneakers are a good compromise and may also save some trauma should a delirious rider attempt to stomp on your feet. If you are battling pouring rain then Wellingtons or Bean shoes will do better.

The fundamentals of layered dressing are well known to anyone stupid enough to go ice climbing or winter camping, but may not be universally understood by corner workers. Indeed, probably nothing is universally understood by cornerworkers. In any event, for the freezing months of April, May, September, and October you should know the following fact: cotton kills. In fact, if it had not already been in use for thousands of years, its use would probably be banned by the FDA. Cotton loses its insulating capacity when wet, unlike wool or synthetics which will continue to keep you warm through sweat and/or rain. Amazingly, this applies not only to shirts but to pants as well, so a warm wool sweater will be little comfort if you are wearing soaking wet cotton jeans. Cheap wool garments can be found at most surplus stores, while expensive synthetics are always available at EMS, REI, and other backwoods haberdashers. The synthetics (e.g. polypropylene and Capilene) also have the added feature of "smell memory" which enables the user to smell as if they had never bathed in their lives. This can actually be of tremendous benefit if you are trapped in your corner with unwanted company, or if you are partial to dogs. The theory of layering is that layers are a good thing. And if you are still cold beneath thermal underwear, a wool shirt, and a pile jacket put on your shell (raincoat) and you will be toasty in no time. Now when the days get hot, its all backwards as cotton is cooler and much pleasanter than the cheap synthetic T-shirts they try to foist on you at the corner workers' lotteries. Layering under warm conditions is practiced only by bag-people and is to be avoided by nice clean-living persons, but it is beneficial to cover all exposed parts (i.e., long-sleeved shirts) despite the heat of summer when you are outdoors all day.

Having dealt with external threats we turn our attention, at last, to the internal environment. If you are not aware of your internal environment try this simple exercise. Ask yourself "who's minding the store?" and you will instantly become aware of the fact that your heart is beating, your lungs respiring, and your entrails are squirming despite the fact that you haven't paid them the least attention. If you fail this test lie down immediately as you are quite probably dead. If you pass the test then you will probably be able to go corner working when the next race weekend rolls around. Now better aware of the brutal nature of the forces arrayed against you, you may reconsider how to keep all your systems in a go state throughout the interminable hours of practice and racing.

Again the principles are simple and arise from fundamental observations. The first is that, unlike plants, humans cannot capture energy for metabolism directly from sunlight. The second is that the human kidney is poorly designed and is obligated to generate a minimum flow of urine whether you drink or not. Based on this information it is clear that you must bring food and liquid refreshment with you to your lonely outpost. Your performance will be enhanced if you are neither starved nor dehydrated and your survival reflexes will operate more briskly, should they be called upon. Moreover, the increased activity level of the well-fed worker will be pleasing to Control who is watching you from the tower at all times. The specific type of food you bring is a matter of individual taste (sic) and is beyond the scope of this dissertation. Suffice to say that certain food byproducts (e.g. banana peels) may provide amusement if thrown on the track, and that in cold weather increased consumption of calories is needed to maintain core temperature.

The use of medications must be carefully considered. Pre-medicating oneself with large doses of alcohol the night before may be diverting, but will result in profound dehydration the following day which must be replaced with both water and electrolytes (Gatorade, for example). The use of mind-altering drugs during a race weekend is of course anathema; it endangers not only yourself, who nobody cares about, but also others, who others do care about. Consider, for example, the problems which might arise if you arrive at the scene of a burning bike and, rather than deploy the fire extinguisher, you gaze contemplatively into the flames. Finally, a word about aspirin and the potential ill effects of dissipating the inertia of a GSXR-1100 with your body. Among all the over-the-counter pain medications, aspirin stands alone in its excellent capacity to inhibit the action of blood platelets which play a critical role in stemming leaks in your plumbing. This property makes aspirin a wonderful drug for heart attacks and strokes, but it could complicate matters extremely should a surgeon have to go mucking about in your brain for a brake lever or some other projectile. This effect of aspirin lasts for days, so if you place yourself in the line of fire use acetaminophen or ibuprofen for recreational pain relief in the week preceding your race.

Armed with this little bit of knowledge, you are now ready to "enjoy" the weekend. Having been alerted to the many dangers you confront in the false safety of your corner working station you might even consider going racing instead. For would it not be safer to be running with the pack than standing as a stationary target passively waiting for that final moment when the universe as we know it collapses into a tiny ball of cold dark matter?

Hardy Kornfeld is a racer and has been a member of the US Marshalls for several years. He is a physician who works and resides in the Boston, MA area.